


Inspect the Maki

by MidoriEmmi



Series: Shogo Week 2015 [1]
Category: Psycho-Pass
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, And suddenly he is all of Kougami's problems, In which Makishima is an Inspector, Multi, My First Work in This Fandom, shogoweek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-10
Updated: 2015-10-10
Packaged: 2018-04-25 17:01:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4969078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidoriEmmi/pseuds/MidoriEmmi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspector Makishima has always been an enigma. When an opportunity to stay with his fellow Inspector for a weekend is forced on Kougami, he has to pray that he lasts the whole way with his Psycho Pass intact. “Um...Makishima? Are these really necessary?” “Now strip.” “STOP BEFORE YOU KILL SOMEONE!”...assuming he lasts even a day that is. CrackAU. For Shogo Week 2015 Day 2: Antithesis, on Tumblr. Oneshot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Inspect the Maki

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This is technically my second fic for the fandom but the first one I'm posting up, just in time for Shogo Week \o/ Enjoy some crack! ;D

It is a bright sunny day, on a warm sunny morning, that Inspector Kougami Shinya walks into his office. As an intelligent and responsible employee of the MWPSB, he is all ready for his second last day of the week; complete with a raging headache, a lack of caffeine, and a terrible scowl on his face.

Ah, what a perfect example of how an Inspector should greet the new day.

Work stress isn’t exactly the main reason for his headache however. Kougami was and always has been a calm and level-headed person, even in the face of extreme difficulty. Of course, that last incident with the flipped coffee table and two broken desks was...just an accident, really. He was simply a little less than happy that the coffee machine on their level was broken that one time.

...anyways.

His current mood is actually due to an unfortunate accident. He’d had some colleagues over, and them being the terrible drunks they are (he will not mention names), just HAD to accidentally make the kitchen explode and destroy his entire holo setup. With two such crucial aspects of his bachelor living destroyed, it is of utmost importance that he find a temporary place to stay until repairs are done.

Which would be in about...three days?

“TOO DAMN LONG!” Kougami yells at the dustbin in the corner of the pantry. A fellow Inspector squeaks and runs back out.

Oh if only the repairs could match the speed of him losing his temper, that would be GREAT. Not that Kougami is implying he has a short temper, most definitely not.

So to cut the story short, only Inspector Makishima Shougo is available to take him in for a full weekend, until the repairs are done. And the raven is wondering how much he has offended whoever is up in the sky, to be put into this situation. Heck, how is it even possible for all viable hotels to be fully booked at this time of the year?! It doesn't make sense, much like Ginoza's pitiful glances at his predicament.

Kougami doesn’t have anything against his fellow colleague, to be honest. Makishima is known to be fast and efficient in his work, with a love for sadistic torture. Not that the last point adds to his credentials, but he does his job well, and that is all that matters. The raven is just a little...worried. He knows not of his fellow Inspector’s private life, and what gossip (information, he corrected himself) he could extract from the other employees was...well…

“Makishima Shougo…” Inspector Shimotsuki taps the keyboard with her fingers, “How do I begin to explain Makishima Shougo?”

“Makishima Shougo is _flawless_ ,” Enforcer Hinakawa says in awe, placing special emphasis on the last word. Kougami wonders if the hair covering one of his eyes has something to do with his clearly warped opinion.

“He has two razors made of platinum and a manservant with an eight-pack,” Analyst Karanomori says as she slowly blows out a puff of smoke. Kougami doesn’t even want to THINK about the truth of this one.

“I heard his mullet is insured for one million yen,” Enforcer Yayoi states with a deadpan.

...who the fuck pays so damn much for that ugly ass hair??!!

“I hear he does razor commercials...in Japan.”

“Inspector Aoyanagi...we ARE in Japan.”

“Oh yeah.”

Inspector Aoyanagi must have gone on too many investigations lately. Or she just needs about a dozen doses of espresso.

“His favourite movie is Doraemon.”

“That isn’t even a movie it’s an anime.”

Enforcer Kagari isn’t even trying.

“One time he met Chief Kasei on a plane...and she told him he looked gay.”

“...Inspector Tsunemori.”

“...yeah?”

“...nevermind, thanks.”

It wouldn’t do to taint Inspector Tsunemori more than the Chief already has.

“One time he hit me in the face with a Dominator...it was AWESOME.”

“HINAKAWA I ALREADY ASKED YOU!”

Now isn’t the time to lose heart, Kougami thinks to himself as he steps away from his colleague’s table, hand to his chin and deep in thought. Makishima is infamous for his eccentricity, and many a times had someone come out of his office after a talk with him completely shaken and catatonic. The Inspector fears a little for his sanity, because of the fact that…

...he has to stay under the same roof with this psycho for a full weekend.

May Sibyl have mercy on his poor, rational clear-hued soul.

It is a busy day, but Makishima has kindly dropped him a post-it note (how old-fashioned) reminding him about their agreement starting tomorrow.

Tomorrow. Not a very long time for Kougami to gather his wits about him and pray his sanity supply would pull him through just three days with Makishima. Also, there is packing to be done, and he’d be damned if he left his teddy bear Mr Nickel at home again.

If Kougami had to describe Makishima’s abode in one word, it would be...clean?

The other isn’t fond of luxury goods, but it is no secret that he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Several authored books and some smart investments later, one could say he was rolling in cash. Indeed, a penthouse does suit the silver-haired Inspector, and so does the needlessly minimal design.

In his opinion, dark purple and stark white makes for a terrible, terrible combination of colours, but he’d rather tolerate the eyeburn than to be left without a place for a weekend.

“Pardon the intrusion.”

“No problem. You can use the room right across from mine. Gu sung, can you help him?”

Old-fashioned is right. Kougami hasn’t seen any sign of a holo setup and even if there was it was very minimal. Also, he doesn’t see the need for help when all he has with him is a medium sized hand carry bag, but Makishima’s help (Gu sung, was it?) had already taken it off his hands. The guest room is spacious, especially with the minimal furnishing, and looks like a room in a three star hotel.

“...wow.”

Makishima smiles, with pride, perhaps?

“Bathroom is just down the hallway. I have to apologise, it is a little small.”

Kougami has no idea how a bathroom the size of his entire apartment containing two sinks, a western bathtub, a traditional bath, a jacuzzi, a swimming pool and a huge ass shower could be considered small, but he concedes.

Otherwise, Makishima is making himself out to be a pretty good host. Well-read, a deep thinker, and it seems like his casual relationship with money is the only eccentric part of him.

Keyword being “seems”.

The raven supposes dinner on the first night of his stay with his gracious host is formality. What better time than to chat and have a great relationship going, right? Just one thing.

“Um...Makishima? Are these really necessary?”

“Are what really necessary?”

“...the candles? The darkness??”

...this is not the relationship he had in mind.

The lights are all off, and their only illumination is provided by a couple of red candles on smooth, white tablecloth on a dainty table. Gu sung is even all decked out in a suit, already playing the violin.

“Really? I think they’re necessary.”

Seriously though, for what?

“Well, this feels a lot like a romantic candlelit dinner, and…”

“...you don’t like it?”

Of course he loves it. As much as Ginoza loves cats.

“It’s not that I don’t...it’s just...inappropriate? I mean it’s not like we’re lovers or anything.”

Makishima stares at him for a long moment. And then he sighs.

“I see. I’m sorry, I guess I misunderstood your body language then.

...what part of his body language indicated that he was romantically interested in Makishima? It just doesn’t make any sense. At least his host is kind enough to revert back to a normal dinner (albeit reluctantly) and that goes uneventfully. And hopefully, their post dinner chat and sort of second introduction to each other would make things better.

“I’m sure you have a lot of questions,” Makishima says, reaching behind his neck to adjust his hair, “Considering you interrogated the entire staff for information about me.”

...whoops.

Kougami smiles nervously.

“I apologise. I was honestly just...curious.”

“It’s fine. In fact, please tell or ask me anything, I’m also interested.”

As dangerous as this proposition seems, a good Inspector is not one to give up a chance to placate his curiosity.

“Is it true you have two razors made of platinum and a manservant with an eight pack?”

“You mean these?”

Kougami nearly screams at the sudden appearance of two intricately carved and polished razors (did he just casually pull those out from his POCKETS?!) in the other’s hands. But he has his manly pride, and thus he does not scream. Out loud at least. He nods.

“As for the manservant, well,” Makishima looks at Gu sung, who somehow manages to look back at him despite the closed eyes, “I wouldn’t exactly call him a manservant.”

“True.”

“So to answer your question, Gu sung, come here.”

The man in question silently walks over. For some reason, the raven’s intuition is yelling at him to abort mission.

“Now strip.”

Oh Sibyl why did he not listen to his intuition? Kougami only gathers his wits when the last layer of clothing is about to come off the other man’s torso.

“STOP STOP STOP!”

Makishima raises an eyebrow.

“What, why?”

“You just have to tell me yes or no there doesn’t need to be any stripping.”

Makishima had the gall to look DISAPPOINTED.

“But it isn’t often that Gu sung gets to strip and show off his eight pack.”

The fact that he uses the word “often” speaks numerous things about his personality.

“I appreciate the gesture,” Kougami starts, doing his best to look like he isn’t about to cave into the craziness surrounding him, “But no stripping please.”

Gu sung puts his shirt back on, and if the raven is reading him correctly, he too thinks Makishima is more than a little off his rocker. But hey, he needs his paycheck, right? Just part of the job as they always say. The silverette smirks amusedly.

“Next question?”

“Your mullet, is it…”

“...insured for one million yen? Close to that I guess. About one and a half million.”

The number of stars in the sky don’t even come close to the number of ‘what the fucks’ going through Kougami’s head right now.

“I assume your next question is if I actually do razor commercials...in Japan.”

Makishima even makes a show of imitating Aoyanagi, albeit a very bad impression of her.

“So is it true?”

“The correct word for those things would be shavers, and it was that one time. Never speak of it again please.”

It doesn’t answer the question of WHERE exactly he did said commercial, but for the sake of his sanity, Kougami decides not to inquire further.

The couches in the vast living room area are comfy, and the longest one could probably fit at least eight people, ten if everyone squeezes. There is also a large and intricate chandelier high above them. Handcrafted to perfection, he recalls his host mentioning. Does he honestly have nowhere else to burn his money?

“So now that I’ve debunked the rumours, let’s talk about you. What are your hobbies?”

Kougami thinks.

“I like kickboxing, wrestling, training in general, and the occasional reading.”

Makishima nods.

“I’m not surprised, you do seem like quite the exercise junkie.”

“What about you then? Your hobbies? Besides reading I mean.”

The other goes quiet. Quite a rare occurrence, considering his personality. Makishima takes a sip of his water.

“As well as reading, I also like to do detailed book smelling.”

His intuition goes beep boop beep boop but his heart goes let’s be nosey and regret it later.

“Pray tell,” Kougami asks, “How does one do ‘detailed book smelling’?”

“They smell the details of the book.”

What an amazingly detailed explanation. So clear and easy to understand. 10/10. Makishima could totally be a teacher with those explanation skills of his.

In any case, the best way to understand is always a demonstration of a certain skill, and for this purpose Kougami is only too glad to provide the materials. He takes out a slightly worn paperback from his bag and passes it to Makishima. It’s fair if it’s a book his host has never “smelt” before, right?

“Please demonstrate.”

“With pleasure. Trust me, this might be a bit surprising.”

The word is very subjective. Kougami is frankly, pretty unamused. Makishima clears his throat (wtf what for), and then he starts.

*sniff*

“The paper used is 90 grams per metre square.”

*sniff*

“There is a grand total of twenty-eight thousand, wait,” he sniffs again, “I mean twenty-nine thousand nine hundred and sixty-six words excluding summary and author’s notes.”

Ok, this is starting to get a little weird. But Kougami decides to let him continue. Such information about Animal Farm could easily be found on the internet after all. His host is probably going to spout nonsense for the sake of it.

“...you bought this book exactly five hundred sixty-four days ago.”

Now wait a fricking second.

“...in the last week alone, you have gone through about 9 packs of cigarettes.”

How the frick does he know that??!!

“...you had two and one-third pancakes this morning drizzled with two tablespoonfuls of maple syrup and two cuboids of butter measuring two by two by one in centimetres.”

WHAT HAPPENED TO DETAILS OF THE ACTUAL BOOK??!!

“Also the last time you masturbated was this morning at one-”

“OK THAT’S ENOUGH LET US STOP THERE!”

Kougami snatches the book out of Makishima’s hands with inhuman speed, and proceeds to throw it into his bag. It is a terrible thing to do to something as rare as a printed book, but he’d rather regret that later than allow Makishima fricking Shougo to unpack his life secrets via his less than sensible methods.

Awkward silence follows the dramatic book throwing, and the raven chooses to ignore the completely offended look on Makishima’s face for treating a paper book that way in front of him.

“You...didn’t have to throw the poor thing. You could have just told me to stop.”

Yeah, like he’d listen.

“Alright, I’m sorry,” Kougami says with a deadpan, his brain cells more or less fried by the intense mindfuckery going on, “So besides this...detailed book smelling talent of yours, is there anything you’d like to add?”

“There is one more thing.”

“Shoot.”

...him in the head please, if anyone else is listening. Actually, at this point Kougami would even PAY that person to do it.

Makishima takes a few dramatic seconds to pause, and drink his water, because it takes time to build up the moment.

“I think this is the weirdest aspect of me,” he starts, looking a tiny bit embarrassed for once, “But I’m actually vegetarian.”

“...interesting.”

Because getting his manservant to strip on a regular basis and having a talent for getting blackmail material through sniffing books of all things (an ability probably obtained by black magic) is completely normal compared to, oh wow, being a VEGETARIAN. Kougami almost wants to shed a few tears at such flawless logic.

Only, his tears would probably be from fear for the safety of his Hue, and not actually pity for his obviously less than sane host.

The Inspector is glad that the conversation ends right there and then. He’s not sure he can take anymore of the other’s eccentricity within such close quarters for another minute. Also the day has been very exhausting for some reason, and he wants nothing more than a nice long sleep to start the weekend all sober and refreshed.

“Comfy…”

At the very, very least, Makishima does value sleep. The sheets are soft and Kougami feels like he’s lying on clouds. Yes, pristine white clouds the epitome of comfort lulling him to sleep with the lullaby of it’s softness.

Morning comes too soon, and the raven’s body clock wakes him up even before the curtains are drawn back to let in the rays of the new day. He barely registers the fact that he is not in his own home, and rolls over to bask in the warm cocoon of his blankets, just a little longer. He takes deep, slow breaths, inhaling the sweet scent of mint shampoo, and lets the soft strands of hair tickle his cheek…

...wait, hair??!!

Kougami’s eyes snap open, and this time he screeches out loud.

Makishima just looks at him wide awake, a tad annoyed at the unrefined yelling first thing in the morning.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN HERE??!!”

“This is my house?”

“I KNOW,” Kougami grits out, “But what business do you have crawling into the same bed as me in the morning and acting like we are some couple??”

“But I’ve been here since midnight.”

“THAT’S EVEN WORSE!!”

Sibyl save his sanity, he’s not sure how long his supply is going to last. Makishima just shrugs.

“I just wanted to show you something, then I realised you were asleep and then I fell asleep too.”

“You could have just shown it to me in the morning.”

“But it was already morning.”

Kougami twitches.

“Ok look, what is it that you wanted to show me?”

It’s almost as if he’s watching a child be allowed to have his favourite candy, the way Makishima’s face lights up, as he starts rolling around in the blankets until he is all bundled up neatly in them.

“Look,” the silverette beams, so very proud of himself, “I’m Makishima the Maki!!”

...is that a blank wall he sees near the corner? Nice. Just the perfect place to bash his head in and hope he dies.

“That’s...amazing.”

“Isn’t it isn’t it??!!”

How old is this guy? Five?

“BUT BACK TO WHY YOU THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO SNEAK IN HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE,” Kougami points an accusatory finger at his host, “There is this word called ‘privacy’, and if you don’t know what it means it means I need personal space, so can you please give me some??”

Makishima pouts. Kougami clenches his fist.

“Look,” he enunciates, slowly, as if speaking to a young and impressionable child, “I need to change my clothes.”

“Can’t I watch?”

“NO!”

Eccentric doesn’t even _begin_ to explain the person that is Makishima Shougo. That man is downright crazy and out of hand. The raven breathes out the huge breath he has been holding when the cause of his Hue decay finally steps out of the room. Kougami’s patience meter is already at an all time low, and the sun has barely begun its journey across the sky.

He makes sure to take as long as possible to wash up, change, and gather his wits about him. He even takes the time to make the bed and arrange his teddy bear Mr Nickel nice and splendid right in the middle.

But the inevitable has to come. Kougami puts his hand on the handle of his door and…

*BOOM!*

...hears an explosion coming from down the hallway. Then just as any law-abiding citizen of society would do, he runs at full speed towards the smoking kitchen and attempts to be of assistance.

“What the fuck happened?!”

...well, that wasn’t exactly what he wanted to come out of his mouth, but it got his inquiries across. He peeks in and manages to barely make out an outline of Makishima going about the stove.

“It’s nothing, I was just cooking.”

“I’d believe you IF YOU WEREN’T WEARING THAT BIG ASS GAS MASK ON YOUR FACE LIKE WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU EVEN NEED THAT FOR COOKING??!!”

“Oh please, everyone needs a gas mask for cooking.”

Kougami actually has to vault out of the way of the flames that suddenly engulf the entire entrance.

“STOP BEFORE YOU KILL SOMEONE!”

“Relax! I’m just about done.”

For the first time in his life the raven doesn’t regret his decision to use the “wait and see” tactic with Makishima, as the warzone slowly reverts to the clean and sleek kitchen he remembers. He only enters when he hears just light sizzling, and looks over to see the silverette in action.

“You...haven’t started cooking the main dish yet.”

“Yes, why?”

THEN WHAT WAS ALL THAT SMOKE AND EXPLOSIONS FOR??!!

Kougami feels a headache coming on.

“Also,” he continues, taking a quick glance at the ingredients beside the stove, “Is that real fish?”

“Yep!”

“But I thought you were vegetarian.”

“I am.”

“...vegetarians don’t eat meat. Fish IS meat.”

“No it’s not, it’s fish.”

Maybe if he took one of Makishima’s platinum razors and sliced his head clean off his neck, his headache would subside, even if just a little.

The raven decides to shrug his stress-inducing thoughts aside, and help to prepare the table. The day may have started with a bang (literally), but he’s not saying no to a lovely, home-cooked breakfast. Makishima is actually a decent cook, and the taste of the fish is tantalizing, but the texture just seems…

“Oh right I forgot to tell you...I lied. That’s synthetic fish.”

...a little off.

Kougami makes a mental note of the one thousandth and one reason he hates Makishima. He absolutely ABHORS synthetic fish.

It takes a whole half an hour for him to force down the lump of lies that is the synthetic fish, but it is not noticed with the relaxed speed his host is eating at. No more words are exchanged during the meal, and he excuses himself, returning to his assigned room after washing the dishes.

He takes the next half an hour in his room pondering over his next course of action, and this time he puts serious thought into it. He technically just needs to tolerate this environment for a little under two days, and initially it _seemed_ like an easy thing to do, but now he’s not so sure. Kougami is a man of his word, and he makes the difficult decision to press on, because hey, his host is just a little bit eccentric, nothing too bad.

The raven decides to pull up his collection of e-books. It has been a while since he had a full weekend off and catching up on his reading sounds like just the thing to do.

He ends the re-reading of 1984 with a shiver down his spine. It was just THAT good.

Or, Makishima has decided to adopt penguins within the last hour and in the process prepare the entire house for their arrival without telling him.

Thank Sibyl he actually packed his fur-lined jacket. He bursts out of his room the moment he’s snug and warm in it, and stomps out into the living room, where...

...are those icicles on the television??!!

The entire living room is covered in a thin layer of snow, and icicles are starting to form on the overworked air-conditioners. Makishima and his manservant are both decked out in full winter gear, and Kougami wonders if his prediction had in fact, actually come true.

“What. Is. Going. On??”

“Ah, Kougami, nice to see you out and about.”

He literally just saw him a couple of hours ago.

“Seriously Makishima, what is all this? Finally decided to adopt some penguins??”

The silverette just turns to face a shivering Kougami, a cheeky close-eyed smile on his face.

“Kougami...you’re looking a little cold…”

...this better not be going in THAT direction.

“...does this mean you’re...COLDgami?”

Well shit it fucking DID. The raven raises his numb fingers to massage his temples.

 “Please don’t tell me you did all this just so you could make that pun.”

“Well actually I did.”

This is it. This is how he’s going to die. Makishima fucking Shougo the psychopath is going to murder him with lethal doses of insanity and eccentricity, and no one is ever going to find out the cause of his pitiful death. The defeated Inspector is just about to walk back to his room when Makishima chirrups from behind him.

“Wait, did you think I was gonna adopt penguins?”

“...I guess?”

Kougami is getting a HORRIFYING feeling about where this conversation is heading.

“Actually, that is a BRILLIANT idea! I’m calling up the zoo right now.”

“PUT THE FUCKING PHONE DOWN!”

Sibyl oh Sibyl, why must thou be so merciless to thy Inspector? He has done nothing to deserve all this, and it is only the start of the second of three days.

The following Monday at the MWPSB brings with it a dishevelled and disoriented Inspector, looking like he’s one centimetre into the door of death. The more timid employees jump out of his way, and for that he is grateful.

“Good morning, Inspector Kougami! How was your weekend stay with Inspector Makishima? Was he alright?”

It is tempting, but he will not go against his policy of not tainting Inspector Tsunemori any more than she already has been.

“Makishima Shougo…” Inspector Kougami Shinya boots up his terminal, “How do I begin to explain Makishima Shougo?”

“Makishima Shougo is a psychopath. He has two razors made of platinum and a manservant with the build of a fighter like why is he still working for that psycho- anyways, his ugly ass mullet is insured for one and a half million yen, and he’s done a shaver commercial he does not wish to speak of ever again. Also one time he tried to make a pun...it was BAD. ”

Tsunemori laughs nervously.

“I’m sure he can’t be THAT bad, right?”

A deafening crash resounds through the entire office, and everyone looks up to find...Makishima looking like he had not just smashed down an entire glass door, smiling.

“Hey Inspector Kougami, heard you talking shit about me!”

“YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO SMASH OPEN THE DOOR IT’S AUTOMATIC ARE YOU SOME FUCKING IDIOT??!!”

“Oh Tsunemori,” Kougami thinks.

She has no idea the true nature of Makishima Shougo, and neither does the entire office, or the company for that matter. Maybe, just maybe, it would be better to keep it that way, for the sake of everyone’s safety and sanity. It wouldn’t do to start a psycho hazard for now.

Probably.

**Author's Note:**

> You can follow me on my personal tumblr blog at https://midori-emmi.tumblr.com AND/OR my FFnet account https://www.fanfiction.net/u/2638242/Midori-Emmi (where my older fics are)


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